Autobiography

Welcome to my Blog and thank you for visiting!

Firstly, I chose an anonymous name primarily to protect my family from any pain or persecution they may be subjected to on account of my testimony. I chose “Moxie” specifically for it’s definition as cited in the American Heritage Dictionary, which is something I continue to aspire to daily.

mox·ie (mŏk’sē) n.
The ability to face difficulty with spirit and courage.

With the most basic introduction out of the way, I begin with the words of Charles Dickens as David Copperfield by saying “I was born”. You may say that I was born into “The Truth”. Those of you who are or have been JWs will be familiar with that all encompassing term which is generally accepted to mean the Organization of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Now it seems little more to me than a slightly humorous slang term used by believers. But I digress, to be more specific, I was born the first of three children of a couple in their twenties who were not at the time JWs. It was not actually until I was about two years of age that both of my parents converted to become baptized members of the Organization. Naturally there is little distinction between the first two years of my life and what was to follow.

I was raised in a city (pop: approx 80,000) located in western Canada. There were at the time roughly 700 Jehovah’s witnesses in our “circuit” and so there were many other families with young children for me to associate with; both within the congregation and at school. My life was typical for a young JW, a strict regiment of 5 weekly meetings, preparation and study for those meetings, home-based family bible study, regular participation in field service (ministry work), attendance at assemblies and conventions. Of course association with anyone outside the realm of “the Organization” was severely frowned upon and even within the congregation a clear distinction was made between those who were deemed good or bad association.

As the years passed, my family as a whole excelled within the congregation. My father became a Ministerial Servant and then an Elder (he is now the Presiding Overseer of his congregation). My mother was always at my father’s side in encouraging if not insisting that we attend every meeting and took advantage of every opportunity to work in the field service. Naturally I received extra attention and praise when I took my own initiative to advance my participation within the organization.

As it goes, a young person (or a new member) takes “baby steps” in the advancement of their activity within the organization. First, one begins to participate by commenting at weekly bible discussions (meetings). Adorably (or not) my mother helped me arrange pre-planned answers to questions at the age of perhaps 3 or 4. Typically these are one-word answers such as “Jehovah” or “Jesus”, but I can remember the feeling of elation when my mother hugged me tightly and praised me afterward, not to mention the congregation oohing and aahing at my cute little answer. Needless to say, it is not difficult to see how this causes a behavioral pattern in a child to seek such praise through continued growth, development and participation within the congregation. I soon found that this was the best way to get attention from my parents or any type of praise. My entire concept of worth was based on my activities within the congregation.

Continuing on, the next step was to become a publisher. This is a person who spends time in the preaching work and regularly reports their activity stats to the Watchtower Headquarters. Believe it or not, but I became an active publisher in the congregation before I could even read!

Following this my next goal was at the age of 6; (coincidentally when I learned to read) for this was when I could join the Theocratic Ministry School. On a rotational basis with other members of the congregation, individuals enrolled in the school are assigned a specific topic which they will present on the stage to the rest of the congregation. (As a side point women are only permitted a 5 minute segment where they are accompanied by another woman who they are preaching to in a dramatization-like setting. It is only men who are permitted to speak directly to the congregation. In the even that no man should be present and it falls to a woman to speak directly to the congregation, she must where a head covering of some sort. I had on occasion witnessed anything from a fedora to a winter scarf! Interestingly enough I accepted that as completely normal behavior as I had been exposed to no other way of thinking).

As the years passed, I made many friends within the congregation and excelled in many ways. In my pre-teen and early teen years I was invited on several occasions to participate in Assembly “parts” and even once in the Drama Presentation at the annual District Convention.

Many of my young friends were taking the step of becoming baptized JWs. I remember sitting through a few assemblies and seeing my friends go before me, and thinking “why am I not up there”. Subconsciously I thought that I was falling behind my peers and was terrified of falling behind them “spiritually”. This desire to keep up with the pack and to please my family and friends was the real motivation in my final step within the organization.

At seventeen years of age I was baptized after which I became a Pioneer (this is someone who dedicates a greater number of hours in the field service, up to and including full time ministry).

Within the following year I spent a great deal of time in the ministry work with many of my close JW friends. I moved out of my parent’s home into a small apartment with another witness girl (in the same town). It seemed that without the close censorship my parents had provided a whole new world became apparent to me. I soon saw things happening within the organization that I could not believe, serious wrongdoing in my eyes. Peers who I had held in the greatest esteem suddenly showed their true colours. I witnessed behavior including drunkenness, drug-use, as well as biblically defined fornication. I was deeply troubled and concerned. I spoke to my parents, who were in retrospect very supportive of me, I also spoke with some of the congregation elders to tell them what was going on. But shockingly nothing was done, it seemed that one of the persons in question was the child of the City Overseer and so anything relating to that family seemed to be swept under the rug.

As time wore on over the following months, I grew heartsick at the behavior and hypocracy of my once close friends. I would see them participating or commenting in the meetings with as much passion and ambition as ever, but in my heart I wept because I knew that it was all a lie coming from their lips. This was the catalyst that began a series of doubts in my mind as to the validity of the all-seeing, all-powerful, all-just Organization of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Slowly and simply I stopped attending meetings and participating in the field service. Gradually I began to associate with people who were not part of the JW Organization. This to a JW is an a-typical case of “falling away from bad association”. But to me, if even subconsciously, I began to question the validity of the organization as the only true religion. I began to doubt whether this was actually the God-Inspired Organization it claimed to be. Most of all I was heartbroken and couldn’t stomach the hypocrisy.

I soon became inactive and spent most of my time with “worldly” friends (a term used to define persons who are outside the JW Organization). To make a long story short I began dating a young man who was not a JW and was subsequently disfellowshipped. The elders of the congregation had called and left messages on my phone asking to speak with me, but I denied these invitations. I was disfellowshipped without attending or witnessing any type of judicial hearing. At that point in time I admit that I was resentful of the elders. These were the men who I had approached when I had witnessed similar behavior by other members of the congregation and yet nothing had been done. Now in my case, the most extreme punishment was enforced. However, I became numb to the circumstances and did my best to forget; though that is easier said than done. It was the only way that I could deal with the anxiety of the separation from family and friends. As a disfellowshipped individual, you are shunned in the most absolute sense of the word by friends and yes, even family. Words cannot describe what this does to you, but like many of the points here I will talk about them in another post.

As a result of my disfellowshipping, my mother had to be sedated. She continues to this day to suffer from severe depression and needs to take medication to cope. My parents have had the most difficult time conforming to the direction from the Organization with regards to the shunning of a disfellowshipped family member, but continue to devote their lives to this organization; chosing ‘it’ over family. I know that our pain is not something to be compared. It is the worst kind of pain. For me it has led to all sorts of emotional issues relating to abandonment. For them, they try to rationalize it by pretending that I’m dead. Even my father who is not an emotional man cries often as a result of losing his baby girl.

In the immediate years after my disfellowshipping, like many others I still was not resolved in my faith or lack-there-of. Mostly I feared that it was true, due to the life-long indoctrination that I had endured. Most days I tried not to think about it. There were times, interestingly enough, when someone would express their dislike for the witnesses, and I would find myself fiercely defending the Organization. Others often found this strange since I had chosen to leave the religion. Needless to say this was a time in my life of great confusion and pain.

The process was long and slow and I can’t say what suddenly changed things for me, but I eventually began to allow myself to listen to other thoughts and opinions on religion and philosophy. For the longest time I was still in fear of hearing apostate works or committing the unforgivable sin by speaking out against the organization but as I began to listen and investigate other religions, other schools of though I suddenly realized that the Organization of Jehovah’s Witnesses was not the only true religion they profess to be. Instead I began to realized that I had been carefully trained in my early years to only believe the reality that had been presented to me (as per the JWs), and further I was taught to mechanically dismiss any morsel of information that could challenge those religious beliefs. I had been taught that anything that raises doubt or question is only the Devil, Satan working to influence you. Someone strong in the JW faith will not even listen to something that questions or contradicts their beliefs. I cannot tell you what a relief this realization was to me. I know that it had been in the back of my mind for a long long time, but this was the first time that I actually recognized it and yes, said it. That was almost five years ago now.

Since, I have made it a study to learn as much as I can about other religions, cultures and histories. I no longer harbor the fear that I once had. Instead I have channeled that fear into compassion. Compassion for those individuals who are still so blinded by this or any other all-encompassing religion so that they throw away their lives and their families for it. I still face many challenges, the most prominent of which relates to abandonment and intimacy, but every day I strive to overcome this and hope that with this blog and can reconcile some of my ghosts to the past.

I am happier than I have ever been. The truth does set you free. When you discover a truth or can recognize a lie, there is nothing more liberating. Breaking free from false doctrine has not been easy. It takes years to get an individual to think in one particular way, and likewise it takes years to undo that. I feel as though I have conquered and survived a horrible disease against all odds. This must be what it feels like to beat cancer, to be free of it, to have it removed from your body.

The purpose of this blog is not to encourage anyone to leave their way of life as a Jehovah’s Witness if they are not already considering to do so. I am simply here to tell my story, hopefully comforting others who have gone through similar circumstances. In this blog I will focus on personal experiences, specifically with regards to the horrific practice of shunning. I will discuss questions and arguments which in my opinion refute the teachings of JWs. This is not to attack the honest hearted individual members, but to raise awareness as to the true nature of the Organization at it’s highest level of command. I will also talk about positive experiences that I have had.

In conclusion, returning to the famous words of Charles Dickens:

“And now my written story ends. I look back, once more - for the last time - fore I close these leaves.”

I see myself, with friends at my side, journeying along the road of life… and I hear the roar of many voices, not indifferent to me as I travel on…