You Might be a Jehovah’s Witness if…
It’s always nice to lighten things up a little. After all, where would we be without humor? In the words of Sir Francis Bacon…
“Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.”
And now for your reading pleasure may I present…
The Top 20 Reasons you may be a Jehovah’s Witness:
20. You think that service to God can be measured in hours.
19. You see no problem with arguing that a loving god would never create a hell, while at the same time promoting the idea that this same god is about to mercilessly kill all non-JW human beings.
18. You believe that it is a example of love and kindness to visit with your grandchildren while forcing your ex-JW daughter to sit in the car outside.
17. You feel that it is ethical behavior to shun (rather than counsel) people in your religious group who have committed a sin.
16. You allow a corporation to take the place of God.
15. You think the spiritual center of God’s Kingdom is in New York City (you are either a stockbroker or a JW).
14. You are a male and your first reaction to a brief interruption of a meeting - by the entrance of a beautiful woman wearing a miniskirt - is “how immodest that woman is.”
13. You think it’s an act of unfaithfulness to God to get an education or a decent job.
12. You consider cleaning up a messy backyard to be practice for working in the “New System of Things on Paradise Earth”.
11. You feel that death is much more important than birth.
10. You believe that God ignored everyone for nearly 2,000 years, then suddenly gave His truth to a man who sat around drawing pictures and plans of pyramids.
9. You either wash cars, repair refrigerators, install flooring, or clean houses for a living - but still own at least five suits or dresses.
8. The word “apostate” makes you shiver in terror.
7. You see the title of “All Along the Watchtower” by Jimi Hendrix and you feel spiritually refreshed, but afraid to listen to the song.
6. You’re a 30 year old virgin and have never kissed anyone but your mom.
5. You believe that demons choose to reside in jewelry, furniture, china, books or blue smurfs.
4. You can’t pick up anything to read without also picking up something to underline or highlight with.
3. Your reaction to someone wearing a cross is the same as a vampire’s.
2. You can’t have a conversation with another human being without saying “Jehovah.”
… and the number one reason you might be a Jehovah’s Witness:
1. If you have ever reported a spouse to the elders for performing or requesting oral sex.
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14, 6, & 1 are hilarious.
Um… heh heh.
lol, these are excellent.
I like the new design here. The Out Campaign “A” in the banner is a great idea.
[...] blog Conversation with an Ex-Jehovah’s Witness has a rather entertaining list of 20 reasons you may be a Jehovah’s Witness. My favorite: 5. You believe that demons choose to reside in jewelry, furniture, china, books or [...]
This was very true! The only one that burns me up on a DAILY basis, one that I find NOT funny is:
#18. You believe that it is a example of love and kindness to visit with your grandchildren while forcing your ex-JW daughter to sit in the car outside.
This is my daily struggle only my JW parents don’t have much to do with my children anymore because my oldest refuses to go to the KH with them!
Funny how all exJws have SO much they can relate to with each other!
#10 is dead on, this was new news to me, kinda reminds me of the movie Young Sherlock Holmes, where this secret society was involved in old Eygptian death rituals. I watched this movie with my sister when we were kids and it scared the crap out of her. I wonder how she would react if I told her, her religion has done pretty much the same thing.
I haven’t been a JW since 1982 when I defied my mother and went to college, where lo and behold I WAS exposed to all those WORLDLY people. Even 26 years later this still struck my funny bone. I would add #21. You think the terrists attacks of 9/11/2001 were a GOOD thing (or as my mother said joyously, a sign that Armageddon was near.)
I had a good laugh the other day when one of the elders was trying to scare me back into the truth by saying, “Times are getting close AGAIN.” What a load of hog wash.
lol, good list. I’m currently a JW at the moment but am looking for the most convenient moment to leave. Giving up being a JW is akin to selling up and moving to a new country where you know nobody.
Anyway, here are some more for the list:
1) You think the word “Worldy” means something bad
2) You live on the poverty line yet have 5 suits, 15 shirts and countless silk ties in your wardrobe
3) You have never gone to college, always rented instead of buying, never saved up money, shunned your family that has left the truth and you blame Satan as the reason you suffer so much angst and depression about your future
4) You will not let your children watch “The little Mermaid” because it is spiritistic, but you will let your child view images of people possessed, tortured, taking drugs, being killed at armageddon and think it is ok for a pre-schoolers to see the image of a man with nails through his wrists and ankles whilst he is tortured and bleeds to death on a stake
“4) You will not let your children watch “The little Mermaid” because it is spiritistic, but you will let your child view images of people possessed, tortured, taking drugs, being killed at armageddon and think it is ok for a pre-schoolers to see the image of a man with nails through his wrists and ankles whilst he is tortured and bleeds to death on a stake.”
I have the same problem with my JW parents! and im 14!
I don’t know what you’re all whingeing & whining for, you didn’t want to be a JW, so you left, move on and get on with your lives, stop wallowing in self pity. I left the “truth” over 20 yrs ago. I left because I no longer wanted to be a JW and wanted to make a new life for myself. I have done that and I don’t look back. You all seem so bitter, but you left for a better life, so why live in the past?.
There are a few positive aspects. One being: innoculated by false idealism, some protection is provided against being taken in by that way again.
I love 14… that was actually me at one time. Now number 10, if that isn’t a great argument against JW’s beliefs I don’t know what is.
Fantastic, laughed all the way through as I thought of friends that meet every one of those criteria (well maybe not no1!)
Sooooo true, all of these are great! I am scouring this site, wish I would have found it years ago! Thanks, it helps to know there are other people just like me out there
LOL!!! That was too funny!! I was born and raised in the JW “faith” but I’m glad I was able to differentiate and keep a good open eye throughout all those years. I pray for my sisters and my mother who are still there. That they come to realize the real truth. There is no love in that cult. Religion is not for me. The relationship with the Great I Am is what’s important. I love You Jesus!
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