Recently I’ve been posting some videos on YouTube which have received their fair share of criticism from current Jehovah’s Witnesses and Witness defenders. Needless to say it has seemed like a futile debate back and forth with no real winners. Then something interesting happened. I received an email from one such person. This individual turned out to be an active witness, in fact, he is an elder in his congregation.

I began by expressing that I was very much like him at one time too. I was a pioneer, I had parts in conventions and assemblies, I was even in the drama at the district convention once. I was everything that a good Jehovah’s witness should be and I was very sincere. I told him that I’m not bitter now, I’m healing. That my heart breaks for the witnesses not because I think they are evil or it’s all bad, but because I see the world of hurt some of the doctrine causes. Child abuse is covered up to protect the society’s image rather than taking care of the children. The blood stance changes as well after an untold number of people have died from refusal of any type of blood or blood fraction. Families are divided because of cruel shunning. These are the reasons that i speak out against the watchtower society.

Then I asked him why is it that he was here watching these videos and talking with us. When I was a witness we were strongly discouraged from reading anything about witnesses that didn’t come directly from the society. We were warned that anyone who spoke against the watchtower was an apostate and that contact with them was very dangerous, these people could subvert the teachings of the watchtower and mislead a Witness. I told him that  I don’t know if things are different now, so that’s why was a bit surprised to see him there.

The reply I got was astounding and heartwarming. I will keep the identity of this individual completely confidential, but I will quote in part. He told me:

I actually share some of the the concerns you have with regards to the child abuse issue. I actually served in a congregation where one of our members was a recovering pedophile. He had molested his own children. While inwadly I was disgusted by this man, outwardly I was obliged to show him love, as well as give him timely warnings about being alone with other children, and to avoid things that would stimulate wrong cravings, like pornography.

However, as an Elder/Minister I, and the other elders were not allowed to divulge his secrets… neither could we warn the congregation to be wary of this man, as far as everyone else knew, he was in good standing. Having said all this, I have to tell you, this is one thorny issue. On the one hand, we have this man’s spirituality in our hands, and the Bible does indicate that a person can be forgiven, even for a crime as heinous as this. On the other, we have the precious little children to think about. So, as Elders, we tried to balance both concerns as best we could.

But again, I agree, I think this has not been handled as well as it could have by JWs, just as it  has not in other religions. (I’m not trying to excuse)

He went on to answer why he was watching these videos on YouTube and why he felt compelled to comment on them and have discussions with us. I will keep his reasons private out of respect.

He closed his message by saying that as a result of many of these videos he is now concerned and aware of the potential harm to the flock. He said he was moved to make certain that he handles the sheep in a loving, kind and fair way. He said that he would hate to think that something he had done in the past or could do in the future could damage an individual so badly that they would end up with only sad or bitter memories of the JW’s.

You can well imagine how moved I was by his honest and sincere reply and I told him as much. I think that there truly are so many wonderful people that are Jehovah’s Witnesses. They are people who are seeking peace, love, understanding and an answer for all the troubling things they see in the world around them. I miss them tremendously, not the least of which are my brothers and my mother and father.

I told him that I can understand how watching these videos an active Jehovah’s witness might see us as hard, spiteful and disgruntled people. It’s hard for me to express the love I had for by former brothers and sisters as well as tackle the painful memories I have because of the Watchtower Society. He was absolutely right in saying that it’s not all bad, not at all. When I was ‘in’ I really wanted to serve Jehovah and to be worthy of his blessings, but deep down, as much as I tried, I could never really feel anything other than the support of the community of brothers and sisters. I remember getting goose-bumps at conventions, hearing the loud voices of everyone together in song… being proud of the fact that I belonged to an organization where there was no need for security at conventions, an organization where there was no racism… many things are very beautiful about the witnesses.

What I’m trying to say I guess is that I don’t and could never judge the individual people who are jehovah’s witnesses. My anger is directed at the governing body who for more than a century has been controlling people and little by little cracking down on their ability to examine the scriptures and think independently. It’s not bad for all witnesses, I know. I was never really affected until I was disfellowshipped. For several  reasons that I won’t go into, I was heartsick at seeing so much hypocrisy in my congregation. I gradually slowed my attendance and eventually stopped going altogether. There were elders in my congregation (who I had reason not to trust) that phoned me repeatedly to set up a time for a “shepherding call” and I just couldn’t. I spoke to my father (who was and still is an elder) but he told me that I would have to meet with those brothers specifically. I just couldn’t bring myself to doing so and just ignored their calls. After several months of inactivity I received a voicemail from the same elder, telling me that if I didn’t meet with him that my disfellowshipping would be announced at the next service meeting. I was so numb, sad, and scared but I didn’t phone him back. Needless to say the rest is history.

I told him that the most painful thing you can imagine is being shunned by your family. Particularly in my case because we were so very close. My mom who was devastated had to be medicated to help calm her  down and she continues to suffered severe depression; there was just so much pain and sadness on both sides. For 8 years I never spoke so much as a peep against the witnesses though I had a lot of reasons to believe that it wasn’t “the truth”. The loss of my family is so unnatural and has resulted in my own depression; I actually suffer from borderline agoraphobia. Anyway, I guess time just frees you from the controlled way we were taught to think.

I recently watched a video by Shazoolo on YouTube where he discusses a particular issue of last year’s kingdom ministry (Q&A box) where the society actually denounced individuals who would discuss or conduct bible study independently from the organized meetings of Jehovah’s witnesses. It further denounced those brothers and sisters who were learning and studying Greek and Hebrew so that they could examine the scriptures more fully. In the video he calls to mind Acts 17:10,11 where Paul commends the Beroeans, calling them more noble-minded because they didn’t just receive Paul’s word, but carefully examined the scriptures themselves to see “whether these things were so.” That is one of the reasons I am so greatly troubled by the Watchtower Society. And I asked this elder in my email, What could the Governing Body possibly have to fear from its members doing the same?

I finished off by saying that my anger towards the Watchtower Society boils down to what I perceive as its controlling nature, not allowing it’s members to think for themselves and decide based on the information available to them. Sure, information can be misleading, but what has the truth to fear? If an individual can’t sustain their beliefs as a JW because of a little independent research, then either JW don’t have the truth or that individual is a fool who has been mislead. In either case, the elders are there to help and guide them. Why then is critical thinking so frowned upon? Can the Society not withstand close examination? Those are just some of my thoughts and the questions I asked him.

I am curious as to whether or not I will hear from this elder again. I really don’t know if he’ll respond but I think it so interesting to hear what he had to say. Really this is a genuine and caring individual who is or has convinced himself that he is happy withing the Watchtower Society. I have to applaud him for questioning the society’s handling of child abuse cases, I wonder if, even in private thought, he considers and questions some of their other teachings. In any case I wish him the best, I wish him happiness and I hope he finds it. If he has found it with the witnesses, so be it. But wouldn’t the tragedy really be if he’s not happy, if he’s afraid to question these issues publicly or within the congregation?

You know, sometimes its funny; life. We are all in desperate search for answers whether we look to a god or to science we’re very much alike the world over.