The Power of Guilt
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Author: Moxie
Tags: Guilt and religion, Jehovah's Witnesses, Shunning
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This morning I had a phone call from my Dad. This is a pretty unusual circumstance since I have been disfellowshipped for over eight years. My father is an elder in the congregation and has been for as long as I can remember. So why was he calling me and breaking the shunning rule? Well, it wasn’t to see how I was doing; generally speaking. No, he called as an elder to see if I had gone to the memorial yesterday. I guess you could say that he called in his ‘elder capacity’. He must have been able to rationalize the contact through a concern for my spiritual welfare. Ah, that is a comforting thought. Pardon the sarcasm.
So what did I say when he asked if I’d attended the memorial and learned that I had not? “Shame on you” was his reply. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I just kind of chuckled and replied, “No”. Immediately he told me that he was giving the Sunday talk and had to get going to the meeting and that was the end of the conversation.
This got me to thinking… There was a time when I was deeply affected by the mechanism of guilt; when I was one of Jehovah’s Witnesses and then again for many long years after I had left the religion. Thankfully I consider myself free from its grasp and now only feel a twinge of sadness and pity for the one applying it.
Most individuals who have been disfellowshipped will understand what I’m talking about. For those of you who don’t, imagine the person or persons you love most in the entire world continually ‘gilt-tripping’ you about a religion or belief system you do not share. When I was first disfellowshipped my mother was in agony. She literally had to be put on medication to calm her down. If and when we ever spoke I had to guard my comments and shield her from my true feelings because I understood her to be in a precarious emotional state. As a result, I endured constant nagging including comment such as, “when are you going to come back?”, “you know there are so many people who miss you”, “do you know who asked about you the other day… well they said that they’d been thinking of you and that they were very sad and miss you a lot”, “you know the end of the system is so near, I can’t bear the thought of you not being there in paradise”, “our family isn’t the same without you”, “I cry everyday when I think about you, I miss you”. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.
So how powerful is guilt really? In the eight years since I have been ‘out’ of the religion, the only time I have considered going back was strictly for my family’s sake. I care so deeply for them, nothing means more to me than their welfare. Aside from that I miss them terribly. I can’t count how many times that my mother or father have said to come back if not for my sake, then just to be with my family. They have said, and I quote, “it doesn’t matter why you come back, as long as you do…” and that can be a very persuasive argument. When I left the religion my younger brothers were 12 and 15, now they are 20 and 23. I have missed them growing up from boys into men. I have missed my father’s hair turning gray. I have missed the weddings of my childhood friends and the births of their children. I was made to believe that I was the cause of so much pain and sadness for my family and that I could take it all away again just by going back to meetings. I have missed so much, they have missed so much, so why didn’t I go back?
Throughout everything I have had the firm belief that one cannot fool God (if there is one). I mean to say that subscribing to a religion is not and should not be about being with your family, or having lots of friends or any other selfish reason. If you pledge and dedicate your life to God, then you better do it honestly and wholeheartedly. Considering that with the Jehovah’s Witnesses you can not just be a bystander, rather you must fully submit, completely dedicate yourself to the Watchtower Society… oh yes and to God. You cannot profess a belief, or just be there to listen and observe, you must donate your time to peddling their literature, you must participate in weekly meetings by studying in advance and commenting on their literature, you must attend over 5 hours of weekly study meetings.
I have never been able to convince myself that what the Jehovah’s Witnesses teach and believe is true. For that reason alone I have never been able to go back regardless of what temptations have been held out before me. Ironically enough I consider the Biblical anecdote of the Devil showing Jesus all the kingdoms of the world and promising that they would be his, should He do one act of penance to him. Similarly, I cannot bow to a religious sect or cult for the promise of having my family back. Yet my family cannot understand and continue to persist in laying on the guilt trips.
What’s more, if you consider a ‘normal’ situation where family members or friends do not share religious beliefs, are they required to shun one another? No. If you worked for the government and perhaps your family were supporters of another party, would you be forbidden to ever speak to them or eat a meal with them as long as their allegiance was elsewhere? No, it is a ridiculous thought. But that is exactly what the Jehovah’s Witnesses do. It is THEIR choice and decision to shun someone who’s beliefs differ. I have not caused this pain and turmoil, no I have not rejected them. I rejected a religion. They rejected me.
It wasn’t until about two years ago that I told them in the most plain terms that I had no intention of ever returning to the Society. I didn’t want to be branded as an apostate, so I held back from explaining my reasons for this decision. The pressure continued to such an extent that I was compelled to finally tell them just what I thought of the Watchtower Society. Indeed I was labeled an apostate and by my own mother. That was the saddest day for me. I saw her face twist into an ugly grimace and she told me that she would not listen to what I was saying. She physically covered her ears. It was too much for her to hear. I didn’t hear a peep from her or anyone in my family for that matter for nearly one full year. Now I suppose those feelings have subsided and when I do hear from my parents on occasion (they are checking in on my welfare), I continue to get those guilt trips.
I believe that guilt is the only tool that they have, they know that I don’t believe in their religion, so they use the only mechanism that can appeal to me to return. After all these years, the power of guilt no longer holds sway over me. Guilt has been replaced by feelings of sadness for my parent’s blind devotion to this all-consuming religion, dare I say cult. I believe that integrity has carried me through the last eight years. Eight long and lonely years. I believe that your integrity is worth any price. If there is a God, he will see that I am sure.
(4 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)
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I was once very zealous for Jehovah. I always maintained my integrity because I believed in what I was doing. When I finally realized that the “Truth” was a lie I had to keep my integrity to myself and quit the “Truth” and left all my family and friends behind. Now I am somewhat alone, secluded from normal life because, as you know, all of your roots are dismembered. But if I were not Atheist now I would still stand confident against Jehovah’s Witnesses because I would know from deep within that if God witnessed my heart and my life then he would see that I always did what I thought was right, including my rejection of the Organization. I left to maintain a good conscience. I remember the last time an elder tried to bring me back. I told him that I thought it was nothing but guilt tripping. I asked him if anything had changed in the organization. He said no, so I took the high road and told him they weren’t good enough for me then. These days I am forced to frame my life as a former JW. as much as I’d rather not. As much as I want to just be normal, my mind and habits were shaped by living that religion while I grew up. Now I have no guilt, I have no fear, I only feel sorry for the people still trapped like your parents. It’s really all about fear. That is what is running them all. Fear for themselves not for your life but for theirs. It takes more guts and more real integrity to stand up for what is actually right. That’s why I know that if Jehovah judges me someday (ha ha ha), if he’s not the angry old fart with a childish ego problem that I read about in the Bible, then he’d do the right thing and make me the judge of these spineless lemmings. I do miss the people though. I think that’s the only thing they had. I’ve thought of going to a new congregation undercover just to be around a group of people like that again. But I haven’t and I’m probably overrating it. I could wish this never happened to my life. I feel like my youth was hijacked. But I have to glean out of it the education it provided me - not of the dogma - but what it taught me about people and myself. I could go on and on…. great website! Drop me a line some time.
Hi
I too left the JW’s at 18 after being raised in the “truth”. It was a very difficult transition but was well worth it to me.
I also miss and love my family but feel at peace with them living their faith. I do feel sorry for them.
Also, I would rather surround myself with people who think for themselves.
As I now have children of my own I have said to my mother over the years that if anyone said to me “it’s either have a relationship with your children and ultimately lose your life or disown them and be saved” hands down I’d choose my children!!!!!!
I feel so so sorry for her losing both myself and my sister and all the richness that watching your children grow brings your life. Such a sad thing for her.
Just a small comment
Jay
[...] *Image Source [...]
…I’m feeling yer words - 100%! Thanks for sharing…
Dear friends
I i just want you to realize and know that probably God is there dear friends ,and is something existing in life,but to those who only believe.As i do believe in him for the miracle. Thank you”
Faithfully yours
Tshimangadzo
My friend has this same issue. Her father will not talk to her for having sex with her now husband before they were married and that she is no longer part of the cult. There has to be a loophole to trick him into thinking for himself or at least listening to reason…. Please HELP!!!!!!!
I have a question about The elderly members. I have a Aunt who would of been 97 next month. She had two sons, one passed away January 2009, and the other one is mentally ill and is in Adult Foster care. Now May of 2009 She changed her will and gave power of attorney to a Fellow Jehova. Took family members names off and put things in trust for her 75 year old son and if something happens to him. Then the house and all her money will go to The Kindom Hall. Now have you ever heard of them befreinding them and then taking all their estates?
Thank you so much for writing this information down! I,too,was raised a
JW, but I never was baptized. This has been a real healing experience for me.
I too was raised as a jehovahs witness, and hated every minute of it. I was never baptised, so that guilt shiz never affected me. My parents eventually forced me to join the theocratic school, which I hated with a passion. I also hated having to go to so many bible studies, especially on a saturday, missed all my saturday morning cartoons because of bible study. I never knew so many people that are no longer in the truth felt the same way.awesome site!
I was not raised as a JW, but when my mother decided to study & dedicate her life, she forced all of us. I made friends and decided to get baptized by age 19. Although I had been in for about 10 years as an adolescent, I was still too immature & saw the look of fear in the eyes of some of my friends - I pushed forward & got baptized anyway and no one celebrated or aknowledged my choice because they all secretly feared I wasn’t ready. Why no one stood up & steered me away has always been a mystery to me - If they cared they would have! My mother was very abusive & went as far as to call me a hypocrite for showing happiness & smiling @ the kingdom hall when in the presence of other positive & friendly people. Her abuse drove me from home, she stalked me so I went to the Navy to get even farther from her. She terrorized & frightened me so much that I never returned until 28 years later. I went to a meeting with a nice lady who came to my door & gave me watchtower/awake. I explained my situation w/out the abusive mother part because I think elders are supposed to talk to you first. She took me to a mtg anyway & I met elders (some seemed upset & stern), but I got hugs from a couple of women (welcoming me back). On the ride home the nice lady started mentioning the busy weekly schedule I needed to get back on & how I really needed to start thinking about going out door to door (even if I don’t talk). I got overwhelmed by all the books (song book, study guide, watchtower/awake)and now I want to back out again. I feel guilty but I know deep down that one should feel inspired and compelled to want to go door to door & fully immerse themself into anything, not feel guilted into it. I was also introduced as an “inactive witness” who was found in the field. I felt the eyes of judgement upon me even though it is not for man to judge us, but only Jehovah. I feel bad, but I must back away once again as I do not feel deeply compelled or inspired to do more than just go to an occasional sunday mtg. So sorry to any I may have hurt by this decision, but it must be mine.
I grew up with an elder as a father and all my extended family were either elders or pioneers. I choose to get baptized at 11 and Auxiliary Pioneered as much as I could. But when it came to high school and only being able to hang out with other Jehovah’s Witnesses (the only kids were my brother, myself and two cousins that were Jehovhas Witnesses in my small town) I began to truly not like the religion. I was disfellowshipped at 15. I graduated at 17 and wasn’t allowed to leave the house since I was disfellowshipped and couldn’t hang out with anyone. I became severly depressed and tried to kill myself twice within the next 6 months. I moved out at 18 and have never been better. 6 years later I have graduated from college, own my own home, have a good job and am in an awesome relationship. But it is really starting to hit me how much I miss my family since I havent spoken to them in over a year. This article and this whole website makes me feels so much less alone.. You have no idea how much it helps. Thank you!
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