This morning I had a phone call from my Dad. This is a pretty unusual circumstance since I have been disfellowshipped for over eight years. My father is an elder in the congregation and has been for as long as I can remember. So why was he calling me and breaking the shunning rule? Well, it wasn’t to see how I was doing; generally speaking. No, he called as an elder to see if I had gone to the memorial yesterday. I guess you could say that he called in his ‘elder capacity’. He must have been able to rationalize the contact through a concern for my spiritual welfare. Ah, that is a comforting thought. Pardon the sarcasm.

So what did I say when he asked if I’d attended the memorial and learned that I had not? “Shame on you” was his reply. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I just kind of chuckled and replied, “No”. Immediately he told me that he was giving the Sunday talk and had to get going to the meeting and that was the end of the conversation.

This got me to thinking… There was a time when I was deeply affected by the mechanism of guilt; when I was one of Jehovah’s Witnesses and then again for many long years after I had left the religion. Thankfully I consider myself free from its grasp and now only feel a twinge of sadness and pity for the one applying it.

Most individuals who have been disfellowshipped will understand what I’m talking about. For those of you who don’t, imagine the person or persons you love most in the entire world continually ‘gilt-tripping’ you about a religion or belief system you do not share. When I was first disfellowshipped my mother was in agony. She literally had to be put on medication to calm her down. If and when we ever spoke I had to guard my comments and shield her from my true feelings because I understood her to be in a precarious emotional state. As a result, I endured constant nagging including comment such as, “when are you going to come back?”, “you know there are so many people who miss you”, “do you know who asked about you the other day… well they said that they’d been thinking of you and that they were very sad and miss you a lot”, “you know the end of the system is so near, I can’t bear the thought of you not being there in paradise”, “our family isn’t the same without you”, “I cry everyday when I think about you, I miss you”. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.

So how powerful is guilt really? In the eight years since I have been ‘out’ of the religion, the only time I have considered going back was strictly for my family’s sake. I care so deeply for them, nothing means more to me than their welfare. Aside from that I miss them terribly. I can’t count how many times that my mother or father have said to come back if not for my sake, then just to be with my family. They have said, and I quote, “it doesn’t matter why you come back, as long as you do…” and that can be a very persuasive argument. When I left the religion my younger brothers were 12 and 15, now they are 20 and 23. I have missed them growing up from boys into men. I have missed my father’s hair turning gray. I have missed the weddings of my childhood friends and the births of their children. I was made to believe that I was the cause of so much pain and sadness for my family and that I could take it all away again just by going back to meetings. I have missed so much, they have missed so much, so why didn’t I go back?

Throughout everything I have had the firm belief that one cannot fool God (if there is one). I mean to say that subscribing to a religion is not and should not be about being with your family, or having lots of friends or any other selfish reason. If you pledge and dedicate your life to God, then you better do it honestly and wholeheartedly. Considering that with the Jehovah’s Witnesses you can not just be a bystander, rather you must fully submit, completely dedicate yourself to the Watchtower Society… oh yes and to God. You cannot profess a belief, or just be there to listen and observe, you must donate your time to peddling their literature, you must participate in weekly meetings by studying in advance and commenting on their literature, you must attend over 5 hours of weekly study meetings.

I have never been able to convince myself that what the Jehovah’s Witnesses teach and believe is true. For that reason alone I have never been able to go back regardless of what temptations have been held out before me. Ironically enough I consider the Biblical anecdote of the Devil showing Jesus all the kingdoms of the world and promising that they would be his, should He do one act of penance to him. Similarly, I cannot bow to a religious sect or cult for the promise of having my family back. Yet my family cannot understand and continue to persist in laying on the guilt trips.

What’s more, if you consider a ‘normal’ situation where family members or friends do not share religious beliefs, are they required to shun one another?  No. If you worked for the government and perhaps your family were supporters of another party, would you be forbidden to ever speak to them or eat a meal with them as long as their allegiance was elsewhere? No, it is a ridiculous thought. But that is exactly what the Jehovah’s Witnesses do. It is THEIR choice and decision to shun someone who’s beliefs differ. I have not caused this pain and turmoil, no I have not rejected them. I rejected a religion. They rejected me.

It wasn’t until about two years ago that I told them in the most plain terms that I had no intention of ever returning to the Society. I didn’t want to be branded as an apostate, so I held back from explaining my reasons for this decision. The pressure continued to such an extent that I was compelled to finally tell them just what I thought of the Watchtower Society. Indeed I was labeled an apostate and by my own mother. That was the saddest day for me. I saw her face twist into an ugly grimace and she told me that she would not listen to what I was saying. She physically covered her ears. It was too much for her to hear. I didn’t hear a peep from her or anyone in my family for that matter for nearly one full year. Now I suppose those feelings have subsided and when I do hear from my parents on occasion (they are checking in on my welfare), I continue to get those guilt trips.

I believe that guilt is the only tool that they have, they know that I don’t believe in their religion, so they use the only mechanism that can appeal to me to return. After all these years, the power of guilt no longer holds sway over me. Guilt has been replaced by feelings of sadness for my parent’s blind devotion to this all-consuming religion, dare I say cult. I believe that integrity has carried me through the last eight years. Eight long and lonely years. I believe that your integrity is worth any price. If there is a God, he will see that I am sure.